The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
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In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”