I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
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When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*