Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
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Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job