My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
You Might Also Like
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.