of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
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The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.