Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
You Might Also Like
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
What a website
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.