bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
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Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Monica just destroyed the internet
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
OKAY DAD
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is