Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
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My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
the best thing i’ve ever made
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.