[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
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going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.