Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
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Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
*orders delivery*
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…