I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
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I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
😩😩😩
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!