Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
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Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
s
oc
i
a
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Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?