Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
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Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
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I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?