Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

Rt to bother an English speaker

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.