A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
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I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive