You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.