“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
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Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Are you ok, human???
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I cannot stop laughing at this
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM