I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
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A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties