Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
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I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
So that’s what we looked like?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.