Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
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To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you