“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
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Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.