me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
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Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.