IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
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me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight