ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
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[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB