When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
You Might Also Like
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]