I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
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I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding