Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
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I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.