Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
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Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”