Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

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Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.


I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”


sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance


Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it


*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving


Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.


[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself


Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*


Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.


My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.