Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
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monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.