ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
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Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I never needed anything more in my life
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Jesus Christ lmao
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?