don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?