I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
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One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard