I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
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Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too