I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
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[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!