Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
You Might Also Like
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.