Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
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If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.