Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
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[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Hell yeah 👍
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Why I divorced her.