Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
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I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
#merica
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.