just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
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Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.