Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
You Might Also Like
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one