[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
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Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.