Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
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Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Rather alarming headline…
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.