Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
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Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I was bored.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly