I was bored.
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what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
even bears disappoint their mothers
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
FRED: right
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater