even bears disappoint their mothers
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The game has officially changed 😎
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign