one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
You Might Also Like
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.