Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
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Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Put the is in disheveled
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt