I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
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Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Huge, if true.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]