Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
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blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted