Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
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You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
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*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
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Sounds about right! 💯
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“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants