I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
You Might Also Like
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
No, I don’t think I will.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”