The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
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I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.