Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
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WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him